December 26, 2009

Barrett and I had a great first Christmas together! We spent it with a few of my grandparents, my mother, sister Shelby, and Barrett's daddy Matt. Barrett fell asleep after we only opened a few of his gifts. I thought about leaving them for him for when he woke up from his nap but I decided to open all the rest..I couldnt wait :) He wasnt all that interested in it this year. He got a really cute camo outfit and ofcourse I put it on him..so pictures to come later! Kind of glad Christmas is over, but I am kind of down about it too if that makes sense.

Well today I'm having a hard time emotionally. I feel anger, frustration, bitterness, and I'm finding I have less and less patience. I cant do a thing without my pelvic area being in alot of pain, aching bones all over, and I'm having some symptoms that I had before being diagnosed pop up lately, my bladder hurts everytime I go to the restroom(been treated for a UTI twice and it wont go away), tummy cramps up bad from almost everything I eat. That's another issue..eating. I have a hard time doing it. I just dont feel like it, and when I do its a very small amount. I know I need to, I have to but it's hard when you have no desire. I cried over my bowl of cereal this morning. I didnt want to eat it but had to force myself. I really dont know why it's such an issue. I get on the scale, 25 pounds lost so far, and am disgusted. I've become so weak, so fragile feeling, so small. It's just not healthy looking at all. I've talked to the doctors a little bit about it and they say just push food and milkshakes. I cant push food. I drink milk products and I'm throwing up a little all day from one milkshake(I'm lactose intolerant). This is so hard for me because before my life got turned upside down I was crazy for food. I would eat and eat and eat. And LOVED it! Now, I do know there are lots of people who have it worse, according to health. But I cant help but be upset, frustrated, scared, angry, in constant pain, and so very worried.

Think positive. That's something I hear alot. And at times I do. You try to walk in these shoes and then tell yourself "just be positive, it's half the battle". Way easier said than done. There's 1 person I know, by experience, she can relate. She doesnt tell me that, because she knows.

Another issue is my relationships. Seems alot are struggling. People just dont know how to act towards me I guess. And I dont know exactlty how to act either. A few people I have taken anger out on and I am so very sorry for that. I wish I hadnt, but I did, and I'm not proud. One person close to me thinks I should be handling all this different than I am. How does she know how someone should be handling having this terrible disease? My friends dont call much anymore or even come by much. One friend has come by several times and I'm so thankful for that. I do realize everyone has their own lives and things going on in them, but what people dont seem to understand is I love company. No not always, but in some weird way it helps me find some more strength that I wasnt sure was still there.

So far, I have not lost my hair again with this treatment (chemo called Topotecan). I have to admit everyday throughout the day I pull on it to see if it's falling out. I hope I dont lose it because my hair has grown out alot since becoming bald. But as I've told a few people, if I do lose it, I've lost it before so I can handle losing it again. I was originally scheduled to start my second treatment of this chemo the week after Christmas, starting this Monday, but the doctors and nurse wanted me to enjoy the holidays without chemo. So, I will start my second round on January 4th. I always get treatment alone; 3 times since May I've had someone sit with me. I must say it's pretty lonely. I look around the treatment room at everyone and almost every time it's people above 50 years old. It breaks my heart that I cant relate to any of these people. Some of them have someone with them everytime to support them and be by their side. I wish I did too. It's lonely sitting there in that green chair with poison running through my port into my body. I know it's what I need to do to, I pray, have more years on my life. Barrett needs his mommy just as much as I need him.

I want all of you to tell your babies today that you love them. Cuddle them, read them a book, and count your blessings. I'm so thankful for all of your thoughts and especially prayers. I hope all of you had a wonderful, blessed Christmas. Love you all!

December 21, 2009

It's been a while since I've been able to get on a computer and post! I have been doing okay..some days I dont think much about having cancer, other days it's all I think about. Alot of days like that I'm not very nice to be around..very snappy and short and rude. Needless to say all this has made it very difficult for my relationships. I feel like I'm on edge and stressed alot. I cant do normal things completely anymore, I get way too tired quick. I went Christmas shopping a few days back and got pooped out after 2 stores! I used to like to shop for hours!! :) I ordered Barrett an ornament for Baby's first Christmas and it turned out so cute! I've included a pic so hopefully you can read it, it's from my cell. Barrett is doing good! He's around 18 lbs. and I'm not sure how long he is but he seems tall to me with big feet!! He cut his first tooth a few weeks ago, front left bottom! I love seeing it when he smiles it's too cute!! He laughs all the time! Here lately though he's become this fussy whiny boy that he never was before. It makes it kinda difficult because he's never been the cranky type, but I'm thinking maybe it's just because he's cutting teeth. He's also sitting up! He still falls over after a lil while but he's got the hang of it and can catch himself alot of the time. He's not crawling yet but soon! He's such a cuddler :)

Well I had my first round of treatment for this go round on December 7th-11th. The first night was so rough. I couldnt sleep and felt very sick. I ended up throwing up several times and finally going to sleep at around 6:30am. The following days werent very bad. I felt pretty sick and didnt eat much and my energy level is very low. It's still low and I'm still not eating much at all. I try it's just very hard to eat when you dont want to or I would rather sleep. It's crazy because before I got diagnosed and even before I was pregnant everyone knows I liked, no loved, to eat!! Oh my, I could put back some food!! I had a friend who asked me where I put it all! LOL..I hope to get that appetite back! I have lost 20 pounds and continue to lose and it's very unhealthy looking and I just feel weak.

The emotional aspect of all this is I would say the hardest. It's especially hard thinking about my disease while watching my baby play or smile and laugh at me. It breaks my heart because I pray I get to raise him and watch him grow into a man for many of years! I sometimes feel like my mind is going crazy trying to completely grasp what's going on. Sometimes it's like an outer body experience, or that it's happening to someone else not me. Even though I am reminded everyday that it is infact me. I get mad and angry and do think why me. I think that's only natural. I dont exactly wonder why not someone else, but I do wonder why someone who wants so much to be a mom and to provide for my son. What about those women who abandon their child(ren). No I dont think they deserve this, no one does. But I just wonder sometimes..I can have strength some days that the good Lord gave me and others I can cry at a cancer commercial. I do believe the tears and pain and anger and strength and love is what is keeping me sane. All of it is part of the dealing with a traumatic experience thing, in my opinion. I'm sad that I have to go through all this and miss some of Barrett being an infant or not get to enjoy like a healthy mom can. But I am trying to fight with everything so I can see so much more of him! I do get frustrated, upset, stressed out, lose my patience, but he is the greatest thing to happen to me. I truly am blessed. Thank you to everyone who is still supporting me, whether it be near or from a far. Everyone's thoughts, prayers, and help is so greatly appreciated. I will tell you before I was diagnosed I really had no idea how many people love and care. I love all of you! Thanks for continuing in my battle with me. My strength comes from all of you, Barrett, family, and the great Lord. So remember when you are losing faith, stressing, or your heart is hurting, turn to Him. He will never forsake you. I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas!

Kim starts her chemo this Monday, December 7th, it will last around 30-60 minutes everyday through Friday, December 11th. Then she will have three weeks off then a week of chemo, three weeks off on so forth. This will be a good routine for her and she shouldn't get too sick we hope!

The doctors took two nymph nodes and one came back no cancer and the other came back cancerous. Dr. Capen has decided to add a new doctor to that specializes in small cell cancer to help out. Although Dr. Capen is still her doctor for her pelvic exams she now has a new Doctor that has joined her team. He is a specialist in small cell cancer and will be in charge of her treatments and meds that is needed to hopefully keep her cancer from spreading to any organs. This new Doctor was very blunt with Kim about treatments and if it should ever spread to any organs. Kim being so young we feel will help her fight this type of cancer.

Prayers and comments of encouragement are welcomed and all the support is what will help her continue this fight! WE appreciate all the prayers thus far! Love you all -