It's been a while since I've been able to get on a computer and post! I have been doing okay..some days I dont think much about having cancer, other days it's all I think about. Alot of days like that I'm not very nice to be around..very snappy and short and rude. Needless to say all this has made it very difficult for my relationships. I feel like I'm on edge and stressed alot. I cant do normal things completely anymore, I get way too tired quick. I went Christmas shopping a few days back and got pooped out after 2 stores! I used to like to shop for hours!! :) I ordered Barrett an ornament for Baby's first Christmas and it turned out so cute! I've included a pic so hopefully you can read it, it's from my cell. Barrett is doing good! He's around 18 lbs. and I'm not sure how long he is but he seems tall to me with big feet!! He cut his first tooth a few weeks ago, front left bottom! I love seeing it when he smiles it's too cute!! He laughs all the time! Here lately though he's become this fussy whiny boy that he never was before. It makes it kinda difficult because he's never been the cranky type, but I'm thinking maybe it's just because he's cutting teeth. He's also sitting up! He still falls over after a lil while but he's got the hang of it and can catch himself alot of the time. He's not crawling yet but soon! He's such a cuddler :)
Well I had my first round of treatment for this go round on December 7th-11th. The first night was so rough. I couldnt sleep and felt very sick. I ended up throwing up several times and finally going to sleep at around 6:30am. The following days werent very bad. I felt pretty sick and didnt eat much and my energy level is very low. It's still low and I'm still not eating much at all. I try it's just very hard to eat when you dont want to or I would rather sleep. It's crazy because before I got diagnosed and even before I was pregnant everyone knows I liked, no loved, to eat!! Oh my, I could put back some food!! I had a friend who asked me where I put it all! LOL..I hope to get that appetite back! I have lost 20 pounds and continue to lose and it's very unhealthy looking and I just feel weak.
The emotional aspect of all this is I would say the hardest. It's especially hard thinking about my disease while watching my baby play or smile and laugh at me. It breaks my heart because I pray I get to raise him and watch him grow into a man for many of years! I sometimes feel like my mind is going crazy trying to completely grasp what's going on. Sometimes it's like an outer body experience, or that it's happening to someone else not me. Even though I am reminded everyday that it is infact me. I get mad and angry and do think why me. I think that's only natural. I dont exactly wonder why not someone else, but I do wonder why someone who wants so much to be a mom and to provide for my son. What about those women who abandon their child(ren). No I dont think they deserve this, no one does. But I just wonder sometimes..I can have strength some days that the good Lord gave me and others I can cry at a cancer commercial. I do believe the tears and pain and anger and strength and love is what is keeping me sane. All of it is part of the dealing with a traumatic experience thing, in my opinion. I'm sad that I have to go through all this and miss some of Barrett being an infant or not get to enjoy like a healthy mom can. But I am trying to fight with everything so I can see so much more of him! I do get frustrated, upset, stressed out, lose my patience, but he is the greatest thing to happen to me. I truly am blessed. Thank you to everyone who is still supporting me, whether it be near or from a far. Everyone's thoughts, prayers, and help is so greatly appreciated. I will tell you before I was diagnosed I really had no idea how many people love and care. I love all of you! Thanks for continuing in my battle with me. My strength comes from all of you, Barrett, family, and the great Lord. So remember when you are losing faith, stressing, or your heart is hurting, turn to Him. He will never forsake you. I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas!
Well I had my first round of treatment for this go round on December 7th-11th. The first night was so rough. I couldnt sleep and felt very sick. I ended up throwing up several times and finally going to sleep at around 6:30am. The following days werent very bad. I felt pretty sick and didnt eat much and my energy level is very low. It's still low and I'm still not eating much at all. I try it's just very hard to eat when you dont want to or I would rather sleep. It's crazy because before I got diagnosed and even before I was pregnant everyone knows I liked, no loved, to eat!! Oh my, I could put back some food!! I had a friend who asked me where I put it all! LOL..I hope to get that appetite back! I have lost 20 pounds and continue to lose and it's very unhealthy looking and I just feel weak.
The emotional aspect of all this is I would say the hardest. It's especially hard thinking about my disease while watching my baby play or smile and laugh at me. It breaks my heart because I pray I get to raise him and watch him grow into a man for many of years! I sometimes feel like my mind is going crazy trying to completely grasp what's going on. Sometimes it's like an outer body experience, or that it's happening to someone else not me. Even though I am reminded everyday that it is infact me. I get mad and angry and do think why me. I think that's only natural. I dont exactly wonder why not someone else, but I do wonder why someone who wants so much to be a mom and to provide for my son. What about those women who abandon their child(ren). No I dont think they deserve this, no one does. But I just wonder sometimes..I can have strength some days that the good Lord gave me and others I can cry at a cancer commercial. I do believe the tears and pain and anger and strength and love is what is keeping me sane. All of it is part of the dealing with a traumatic experience thing, in my opinion. I'm sad that I have to go through all this and miss some of Barrett being an infant or not get to enjoy like a healthy mom can. But I am trying to fight with everything so I can see so much more of him! I do get frustrated, upset, stressed out, lose my patience, but he is the greatest thing to happen to me. I truly am blessed. Thank you to everyone who is still supporting me, whether it be near or from a far. Everyone's thoughts, prayers, and help is so greatly appreciated. I will tell you before I was diagnosed I really had no idea how many people love and care. I love all of you! Thanks for continuing in my battle with me. My strength comes from all of you, Barrett, family, and the great Lord. So remember when you are losing faith, stressing, or your heart is hurting, turn to Him. He will never forsake you. I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas!
Kim you are so strong and I am so proud of you. I will continue to pray for you every day until this cancer is gone. I know times are tough for you, especially raising Barrett as a single mother (most of the time) but he will get through this fussy stage. It is very hard to be a mother and I bet even harder when you are fighting for your life. I love you Kim and no matter how rough things get I want you to know that I am here for you and will continue to pray for healing.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Kim, You are a mentally tough lady even though I know you don't think so, believe me, you are. Many of people would have given up by now, but not you, never you. I Love you very much,,,and as always,,I'll call you tonight.
ReplyDeleteDad
Kim,
ReplyDeleteYou have the strength,determination and faith to fight this illness and raise lil'Barre. I can not imigine how hard it is for you,but you always get the strength to get ready for the next step. I remember when you were 4 yrs old and Pa was not listening when you had a plastic glass and ask for a drink of water,several times, and finally you threw the glass against the wall to get his attention.Now that was determination to get a glass of water!And he was the one who got in trouble.We love you very much .
Mom Shaw