December 26, 2009

Barrett and I had a great first Christmas together! We spent it with a few of my grandparents, my mother, sister Shelby, and Barrett's daddy Matt. Barrett fell asleep after we only opened a few of his gifts. I thought about leaving them for him for when he woke up from his nap but I decided to open all the rest..I couldnt wait :) He wasnt all that interested in it this year. He got a really cute camo outfit and ofcourse I put it on him..so pictures to come later! Kind of glad Christmas is over, but I am kind of down about it too if that makes sense.

Well today I'm having a hard time emotionally. I feel anger, frustration, bitterness, and I'm finding I have less and less patience. I cant do a thing without my pelvic area being in alot of pain, aching bones all over, and I'm having some symptoms that I had before being diagnosed pop up lately, my bladder hurts everytime I go to the restroom(been treated for a UTI twice and it wont go away), tummy cramps up bad from almost everything I eat. That's another issue..eating. I have a hard time doing it. I just dont feel like it, and when I do its a very small amount. I know I need to, I have to but it's hard when you have no desire. I cried over my bowl of cereal this morning. I didnt want to eat it but had to force myself. I really dont know why it's such an issue. I get on the scale, 25 pounds lost so far, and am disgusted. I've become so weak, so fragile feeling, so small. It's just not healthy looking at all. I've talked to the doctors a little bit about it and they say just push food and milkshakes. I cant push food. I drink milk products and I'm throwing up a little all day from one milkshake(I'm lactose intolerant). This is so hard for me because before my life got turned upside down I was crazy for food. I would eat and eat and eat. And LOVED it! Now, I do know there are lots of people who have it worse, according to health. But I cant help but be upset, frustrated, scared, angry, in constant pain, and so very worried.

Think positive. That's something I hear alot. And at times I do. You try to walk in these shoes and then tell yourself "just be positive, it's half the battle". Way easier said than done. There's 1 person I know, by experience, she can relate. She doesnt tell me that, because she knows.

Another issue is my relationships. Seems alot are struggling. People just dont know how to act towards me I guess. And I dont know exactlty how to act either. A few people I have taken anger out on and I am so very sorry for that. I wish I hadnt, but I did, and I'm not proud. One person close to me thinks I should be handling all this different than I am. How does she know how someone should be handling having this terrible disease? My friends dont call much anymore or even come by much. One friend has come by several times and I'm so thankful for that. I do realize everyone has their own lives and things going on in them, but what people dont seem to understand is I love company. No not always, but in some weird way it helps me find some more strength that I wasnt sure was still there.

So far, I have not lost my hair again with this treatment (chemo called Topotecan). I have to admit everyday throughout the day I pull on it to see if it's falling out. I hope I dont lose it because my hair has grown out alot since becoming bald. But as I've told a few people, if I do lose it, I've lost it before so I can handle losing it again. I was originally scheduled to start my second treatment of this chemo the week after Christmas, starting this Monday, but the doctors and nurse wanted me to enjoy the holidays without chemo. So, I will start my second round on January 4th. I always get treatment alone; 3 times since May I've had someone sit with me. I must say it's pretty lonely. I look around the treatment room at everyone and almost every time it's people above 50 years old. It breaks my heart that I cant relate to any of these people. Some of them have someone with them everytime to support them and be by their side. I wish I did too. It's lonely sitting there in that green chair with poison running through my port into my body. I know it's what I need to do to, I pray, have more years on my life. Barrett needs his mommy just as much as I need him.

I want all of you to tell your babies today that you love them. Cuddle them, read them a book, and count your blessings. I'm so thankful for all of your thoughts and especially prayers. I hope all of you had a wonderful, blessed Christmas. Love you all!